HH & Her Beans

Something has been trending around recently: self love. This is the idea that you're body is "perfect" and you are "perfect just the way you are." And if you are not happy with yourself, then people shun you for criticizing yourself. WHOA. When did this happen? Apparently if we are unsatisfied with how we look then we are aiming to be stick skinny. Apparently if we are not always "positive" then that's not okay. This is not "self love."

I believe in the concept of "self acceptance" it is working until you are satisfied with yourself. If you are chubby and you want to get down to a healthier weight. THEN THAT'S FINE!! You do not have to stick with the body that YOU ARE NOT SATISFIED WITH!! You are not happy with your body then no one else should be able to tell you other wise.

I am still working on the whole self acceptance thing... First is accepting my intelligence. How I won't be able to get the same grade as others and how I won't be able to get some scholarships because people who are more skilled than me received it instead. I do get jealous like any normal human being of other teenagers who are a whole lot younger and more successful than I will ever be. For example, one of my classmates developed these special hearing aids and right now all of the Ivy League schools wants to accept me. I realize that I am not EVEN close to doing something that amazing. Another girl developed an alarm for girls who are sexually abused. UHHH... I'm sorry that I didn't save the world today.

Second is the acceptance of my body. I'm working on that still... Trying to lose weight down to the point where I am healthy and happy. Lastly I'm trying to accept myself as a whole. I am passionate about art. I have a passion about writing. I LOVE wearing sweatpants and T-shirts and not look like a model when I'm wearing them. I adore exploring new places with my friends. I get anxiety when I am put in a social situation with people I don't know. My life is honestly not the best right now and I am definitely not the smartest and people need to be truthful about that. It just so happens that whenever I tell someone, "I really hate AP English." They will either say, "But you are soooooooo smart!!" or "I think your grades are good!!" It's okay to tell me, "Hey maybe you can work on improving yourself." That's not mean at all... that's the truth. Screw those people who are giving you bad feedback about "just believe in yourself." That's not going to get you anywhere, continue to improve yourself until you can reach self acceptance. Wherever that point is, it takes time and yea that truly sucks. Until next time, stay cool ma beans!!

I don't feel like writing a WTF Wednesday because nothing is more WTF worthy than my attitude towards life. Here is the thing, I've had three test today and I believe I failed all three of them. You don't understand, I just raised my AP Environmental Science grade to a 91% and now because of this midterm (WHICH BY THE WAY IS NOT EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEMESTER) could possibly drop to what I call the "death zone"... 88-89%.

You know why it's the "death zone"?? It's because it is super hard for you to raise it up and super easy to drop this percentage to a point where you can no longer raise it. I have a 88% in AP English and I raised my grade from a 88% in APES into 91%. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH EFFORT THIS TOOK?? I think school should grade everyone based on the amount of effort they put into studying. For example, I suck at every single subject possible but I put in the work, so I should get an A. It. Is. Literally. That. Simple. Why am I getting a B+ when someone who does not even try gets A+s.

Excuse me for being pissy. I don't want to complain about my Honors U.S. History class but I think I have to. In that class, yes I do have a 97% BUT today on the test. I got 3/30 correct for the fill in the blank part. She wanted us. To. Know. The "popular" cities in EACH STATE!! HOW DO I KNOW WHICH CITIES YOU CONSIDER POPULAR?? I CANNOT READ YOUR MIND!! It's not like only I failed but the rest of the class did too. In addition (wow look at me using fancy transition words), she didn't even tell us about knowing all the rivers and monuments AND YET SHE TESTED IT!! Excuse me while I go stab myself multiple times with a blunt fork. I want to improve but I think I don't put in enough effort. Why do I not put in the effort when I could? Because with all honesty, I don't care. With my grades and SAT scores right this second, I could get into UCSD guaranteed so why should I try? "I should try just because" is no longer a good enough reason for me to try in school. People go to school to learn, I go to school because I have to. Until next time, stay cool ma beans. 

This is only the second full week of my Junior year and I've already hit rock bottom twice. For the first two days, every night I pretty much cried myself to sleep because I felt like there was just no hope for me and that I didn't really have a purpose anymore.

I just wanted to make this post for all of the rest of the students out there who are feeling depressed and feel like they might not have a purpose anymore, because I understand what you are going through. We are not going through "depression" we just need to establish ourselves differently. I told one of my friends about my feelings and she was completely lost because she didn't understand what I was going through. I want to be the person who understands you and I am here to help you. So here are some tips on how I pulled myself out of that deep hole of sadness (AKA Junior year):

I didn't want to be the one who was different, and before I used to be gossiped about because I was not athletic. I honestly wanted to change myself, but I think through this summer I realized that it doesn't matter what others thought of me because what ever they think does not make a physical impact. Thoughts are even less powerful than words because they just dissipate into the air. I tried to be someone I wasn't. I tried to copy how my friends behaved, and as silly as it sounds, I thought that if I acted like them then I would be able to get the same guys who has crushed on them. BUT OF COURSE THAT IS SO NOT TRUE!! There has been many instances, where a guy only flirted with me, and didn't even look at my friends because although I am not a typical good looking girl, I was outgoing and I had more social skills. It matters what you think of yourself. If you continuously put yourself down and compare yourself to others, you are never going to improve. You will only make yourself feel worse. If you feel like you should lose a little bit of weight, go ahead and do it because until you lose that weight, you will feel bad about yourself.

It's my Junior year of high school and this means that it is also a bunch of people's Junior year from all around the world. I used to be one of those people who cared about other people's grades and how they are performing in school.

So what is the purpose of high school? It is four years that is part of the passage to lead you to your dream job and your dream college and to explore what YOU are good at. So why was I trying to figure out what other people were good at? I decided to focus on my life and this year I am continuing with AP English because I enjoy writing. I might not major in it but it is something that I'm good at. I'm also not taking a Honors Math course because I know that I'm limited in math. EACH OF YOU can make the same decisions if you just took the time to think everything through. Breath and let's begin. 

Yes I am worried about college as much as everyone one of you. But realize that first: Junior year is the most crucial year of high school, there is already a lot of stress on you, so why are you trying to stress out even more by looking into the future?

You have a full year starting right this second before you have to even start thinking about applying to college, so don't even think that far ahead. It wouldn't help you in anyway but stress you out. Second: With the amount of time that you spent thinking about the future, you could be doing something productive to change it. Maybe you're like, "OMG I'M NEVER GOING TO GET INTO COLLEGE!!! AHHHHHH..."

Why don't you do something to change that thought? I know that it's hard to find something unique to do but don't go and find something that you aren't interested in. If you don't know what you can do to improve your school life, improve your social life, clean your room, do something productive. 
One thing that I took away from this summer is to think of the present and that we'll cross that bridge when it gets right in front of us. There is no use in competing because there are always someone who is better or talented than you in something, that's when you point to yourself and say, "I'm better than this person at ____ ." Just know that you are more skilled in someone at something, and that's enough. I know many talented people, people who are good at everything like ballet, piano, art, and school in general but because I was so competitive I used to think that I was better than everyone else. That's not okay to me, because really, everyone is good at something and you just have to find it.

Even if there might be others who are better than you, you might be a inspiration to someone. You might also be like, "WAIT BUT I DON'T HAVE A TALENT." WELLLLL.... It's time for you to find something that can take the stress away, that's what your talent is. 
What am I doing?
It's dumb to give advice and not following it, so I am trying to focus on the present and not stress out as much. Take things one step at a time and I'm trying not to ask my friends about their grades and what they're doing because that just stresses me out even more. Until next time, stay cool ma beans.